Feasters Chilli Dog: Not so chilly dog!

Name: Feasters Chilli Dog
Label: Premium smoked, no hydrogenated fat, microwave in 50 seconds
Cost: £1.60

The fish finger sandwich by Feasters wasn't the best I've ever had, I came to the conclusion that it may be cheaper to invest in the ingredients for the cost.

But upon a trip to my local Tesco I found Feasters do other products as well as chicken and beef burgers. So I decided to try out the hot dog alternative.

The bun was satisfyingly soft, the perfect texture in my opinion, the hot dog itself tastes like a hot dog so there's nothing wrong with it. And the tomato sauce included compliments the meat well. To add the sauce like it is displayed on the packaging, you'd have to cut a triangle out of the sachet and squeeze it on slowly.

In this case, the price tag is worth it. But yet again, it would work out cheaper to buy the ingredients separate and conjure up the meal yourself choosing exactly what kind of hot dog and bun you want to include. Because really you're buying this product for convenience.

Feasters Fish Finger Sandwich: Ready in 50 seconds. Worth the wait...?

Name: Feasters Fish Finger Sandwich
Label: Made with 100% cod, no hydrogenated fat, microwave in 50 seconds
Cost: £1.60

Feasters are a company who make microwaveable products that are ready to have within minutes of cooking. I have all praise for the spicy chicken burgers they do, they tick all the right boxes with quality meat and light strength to accommodate the casual spice strength preferring consumer.

So how much does the fish finger counterpart live up to the chicken deal? Well...

The barm cake was chewy and tough, and had a lot of flour sprinkled on it. The fish fingers were really soft and mushy with no backbone.

I get the incline that the fish fingers they use are watered down a lot. They were rather potent when they were in the microwave being cooked, but taste wise they didn't exactly rock my world. They lack paticular quality, not even as consistent as Tesco's own fish fingers.

This may be because the fat in a product makes it taste better, so if you are fussy about products having certain fats, then this product may be for you with its 'no hydrogenated fat' claim.

However, for the price you might as well buy some barm cakes (6 for a pound or whatever deals they have) and some fish fingers separately and make this yourself, since you'll save a lot of money and you'll probably even prefer them made by yourself.

Overall if you're looking for a quick snack then you may want to give this a trial and see what you make of it. But I recommend you buy the ingredients separately and conjure up the end product yourself if you have the time. The end result would be worth it.

Alternative eating methods: Chocolate

Every time I eat caramel, my legs go all funny. The orgasm in my mouth is just so paralyzing. The reason why this is so is because I don't eat chocolate bars the way normal folk do.

So how can you get the same high as me? The answer: Wispa Golds and a bit of eating creativity.

Now there are other ways of eating chocolate bars and biscuits as well as the usual bite length ways and chew. Why not experiment a little, and use your tongue to lick off the chocolate?

I suggest you try experimenting in the comfort of your own home, because trying the methods I'm about to share with you in the canteen at work or school may turn a few heads.

My personal favourite way of eating Wispa Golds is like this:

You turn the Wispa upside down as if the widest part is the top, then you turn it so that your teeth align with the bar length ways and bite into it about halfway down. This wont be neat, but it will mostly leave the caramel with a little bit of the Wispa chocolate on top. Eat this way all along the bar until you're left with what should be a thin Wisper Gold. Now enjoy the result! Having less of the chocolate brings out the flavour of the caramel more.

Now Wispa Golds were brought back for a limited run in September according to the Wispa group on Facebook. However they are still on sale in my local Tesco and in shops around my area, so you might not be too late and still have the chance to try out this method of eating them.

I suggest you try it before you knock it. If you love caramel like me, then you will enjoy eating Wispa Golds the way I do. You can do this with other foods as well as Wispa Golds. Try it with a Twix, or caramel Kitkats (the chunky ones, the smaller ones don't contain as much caramel).

There are other types of chocolate you could try alternative eating methods on like Rolo and Cadbury's Caramel Eggs, although these take a bit more skill. You've got to bite into the top of the egg then peel away the chocolate layer while licking the caramel with your tongue whenever it tries to escape the egg. I challenge you to see how far down you can get eating away the chocolate without eating the caramel.

Then there are those caramel/fudge cake bars from Cadbury's, where first I turn the bar upside down and delicately bite away the thin chocolate on the bottom and sides of the bar, not touching the chocolate containing the filling. Then I wrap my teeth around the sponge then peel it away, leaving the filling. I then take very small bites out of it, because I've found this way it tastes better for some reason.

You could alternatively lick the chocolate away, this is more messy but you may get a bigger tongue orgasm taking your time.

If I could have it my way, I'd make all chocolate bars have less chocolate and more filling in them. One day I may well make my dream come true, and set up tomato sauce and caramel factories.

Annoying sauce stains? Minutes before an interview?

Picture the scene. You're dressed in your best clobber ready for that crucial job interview, the sort you keep in the attic - never mind in your wardrobe it's that posh.

Theres so much pressure on you; the missus has had enough of you, that unemployed ass of yours and your stinking underwear (so has the dog, she stopped stealing it from the laundry basket since you stopped using toilet paper). She wants you to nail this job interview for colouring in Christmas cards she found advertised in the local paper. She sends you out the door and says "You'd better get this boyo, or me and the kids are running off with Roberto to Spain".

You're running late, but you're hungry. So you call into the nearest chippy and order a big juicy half pounder chicken burger caked in sloppy tomato sauce. You take one big bite into the bad boy, admire the fine taste, and as you do so a dollop of the runny stuff lands on your finest interview shirt.

Oh no! What do you do?

Well not to worry, because I have the perfect solution to turning this situation around. Don't believe me? Try this on for size:

Find a cigarette stub on the floor. Any will do, even the properly burned out ones. Light it, then stick the burning end onto the stain until it burns through the clothing.

Next, find a piece of mint flavoured chewing gum, either off the floor or from underneath the waiting room chair. You'll be able to tell if it's mint by the taste. Lick the gum until it's sticky and soft (if it isn't already) and squash it flat. Stick it on the inside of your shirt so that you can see it through the hole. Obtain some toilet roll from the toilets.

Now this is where your pure talent come in. Use your Chinese folding skills to make a flower and stick it onto the gum. Hey presto - the stain is gone! Well, almost...

This will definitely draw attention away from the stain. Anybody who catches sight of the Chinese folded flower will think "Hey that's nice, where do I get one of those?" and before you know it everyone will be asking you about it, and those other job seekers going for that interview will be envious of you, wondering how they can compete with such a talented individual such as yourself.

You will have officially turned a negative situation into a positive one. You will storm your interview, making a good impression passing with flying colours. Congratulations, you got the job!

Well, you will have unless your Chinese folding skills suck. You should have listened in Chinese folding school...

Mowbray Tomato Sauce: Family favourite or flop?

Name: Mowbray Tomato Sauce
Label: Mowbray Premium quality squeezy tomato ketchup, family favourite.
Cost: £1.00

Now, you may recognize this sauce from your local pound shop. I find it doesn’t quite live up to the name of ‘Premium Quality’ when compared to Heinz’s standards; unless premium means nasty.

It tastes exactly how it costs; cheap, and the claim of ‘Family favourite’ may have been made by an almost empty wallet holding dad. It’s slightly on the runny side and has more of a lighter red colour than any other sauces I have seen before. I feel it lacks a certain strength that other brands may be able to live up to.

On the taste test, I tried it with some chicken dippers and a potato waffle and found it was acceptable. It tastes okay with other chicken products as well. It isn’t heavy on the taste buds, which is something that might suit the occasional tomato sauce lover.

I thought it didn’t go so well with medium strength cheese melted on toast, it’s too sugary and doesn’t combine well. I found this the same case with fried egg and a cheese slice on toast. This sauce doesn’t combine well with many foods.

However I’m not dismissing that it isn’t value for money; it may not be the obvious choice but may be an ideal cheap alternative for barbecues and children’s birthday parties. Plus being a commendable amount with one whole litre it will endure any gathering with food with ease.

If you don’t like it, then you’ll probably not be able to eat it up within a month. The recommended time you should keep tomato sauce for before chucking it away is about a month or two, so if you don’t like this sauce then it’ll go to waste. But at least you only paid a pound for it.